Are You Ready for Some Football???

So, yep, it's that time again: NFL football time is just around the corner! I was talking with a buddy last night about the upcoming season, so I wanted to take a moment and highlight my own personal top storylines for the 2010-2011 season. Oh? What's that you say? This post is insipid, shallow and pointless? Well, yeah, you're right!!!! BUT you know what the NFL is NOT? It's NOT media-stoked bigotry and xenophobia! Hurrah! Okay, my top storylines:

1) Jay Cutler. Jay Cutler is already fascinating because he's dating a social networker from Wilmette (where I grew up) and because he looks hungovger and unhealthy all the time and yet is a rising star in the NFL. Jay Cut is inheriting a whole lot of pressure this year in the already pressure-laden universe of pro football in Chicago. As I mentioned to my friend last night, football fans in Chicago only half want to see you succeed as a Bears quarterback. This is because, like a 30-something year old single person who no longer believes in true love, Bears fans have been traumatized and hurt so many times through the years by anemic offenses and incompetent quarterbacks, that they have grown addicted to the pain, and they cope by lashing out. So Bears fans, deep down, half want Jay C to fail miserably, just so they can externalize their own inner angst. That's gotta be weird for a 25 year old diabetic almost-but-not-quite football star to handle. What's more, this is Lovie's last and final chance as Bears coach. If they stink this year, errybody's gettin fired! AND to make things even more intense for Cutler and the Bears, they are going to be installing a super complicated new pass-happy scheme under new offensive coordinator Mike Martz, which will have to be successful IMMEDIATELY before Bears Nation regresses into its familiar self-hating, lash out at all the big names that are underperforming pattern of behaviour. So what does all this mean? I can't WAIT to watch a Bears game!

2) The Jets. How can you not root for the Jets? They have a hilarious coach who openly trash talks opponents (and often backs it up), the best overall defensive player in the game in Darelle Revis, Thomas "I'm always so incredibly angry looking" Jones, and they have all that whole we're-pissed-off-all-the-time-because-we've-always-been-the-number-2-football-team-in-New York-and-we-never-get-any-love-from-anyone-except-our-mothers-and-Joe-Namath angst goin on. I love the Jets, and I will be rooting for them again this year.

3) Say it with me: Super Bowl Halftime Show! What washed up, creepy looking corpse of a has-been band will halftime show planners dredge up this year???? I dunno, but I can't wait to find out!

4) The Packers. I don't really care about the Packers, but I made a stupid bet last year and now I always have to care about the Packers. "Go Packers." Although I am looking forward to going to the Packers bar for a game or two when I'm in Portland, because people get scurry there during Packers games. Especially Packers-Cowboys games... Packers fans REALLY don't like the Cowboys. Scurred.

5) The Seahawks. The Seahawks are the most boring, uninteresting team ever. Matt Hasselbeck? Really? zzzzzzzzzzz. I don't even know who the Seahawks running back is. The only player I like on the Seahawks is Lawyer Malloy, and that's because his name is Lawyer. Anyway, now the Seahawks have the most self-impressed, over-dressed, tries too hard all the time and writes crappy books coach ever, Pete Carroll, straight out of his ra-ra, hyper image-conscious position with USC. And Pete Carroll is predictably being self-impressed and over-confident already, just in training camp. I didn't like the Seahawks before, and now I REALLY don't like the Seahawks. I will be rooting against them. Boo Seahawks.

6) The Lions. Aw, come on. The Lions have suffered enough. Wouldn't it be nice if they won at least a couple games this year? Go Lions.

7) And finally, last but not least, Brett Favre. Is back. Again. Need I say more?